Here is My Unopened Letter to a World that Never Shall Reply

1:41pm: let me ask myself this:

in the last 72 hours, what have you done to make a positive impact in my life in any way?

because all i can think of is you hurting me, even if it is unintentional.

why do i keep making excuses for this?

9:48pm: a million things are running through my head right now. i've tried to write them down here probably twenty times and i never end up finishing. maybe i will this time?

i need to grow up. i need to stop dwelling on the past. i need to come to terms with selling Marley. i need to become more independent. i need to stop waiting by the phone. i need to lose weight. i need to stop thinking that things will never change. i need to believe in myself. i need to get off my ass. i need to take opportunities when they are given to me. i need to build my friendships. i need to clear out the negativity in my life. i need to focus. i need to move on. i need to choose the other path. i need to smell marley's hair more often. i need to remember what freedom tastes like. i need to remember what being YOUNG feels like. i need to keep in touch. i need to make more lists. i need to do things i enjoy more and things i don't enjoy less. i need to stop WAITING BY THE PHONE. i need to start ignoring phone calls. i need to start standing up straighter. i need to start realizing life goes on and the world won't end tomorrow. i need to know the feeling of accomplishment again. i need to know get rid of the security. i need to get rid of the poison. i need to find inner peace. i need to take more trips to the canal. i need to stop putting myself down. i need to start acknowledging the positive. i need to tell you to Fuck Off. i need to realize that I Am Worth It. i need to remember that sleeping with someone does not give me everything. i need to live life one day at a time. i need to stop being on this goddamn computer at every second. i need to sleep more. i need to drink more water. i need to run more. i need to breathe more. i need to talk more. i need to stop keeping my mouth shut. i need to say hi. i need to SMILE. i need to realize i do not need to let him do that. i need to realize it is NOT MY FAULT. i need to remember to look out for myself. i need to remember every little detail of the last four years with my horse. i need to stop llooking to him for support. i need to be more open minded. i need to do this more often. i need to see my best friends more, they are my rock. i need to thank my parents more because they are getting old. i need to stop focusing on how old they are getting. i need to spend more time outside. i need to see more sunshine. i need to get rid of my tan lines. i need to get rid of my thighs. i need to have motivation. i need to think like i did last time. i need to take back the last six weeks. i need to take more pictures. i need to FOLLOW THROUGH on this.

so much need, just as much want. i need more do.

10:38pm: Sometimes it's a pair of old faded denim
I know it's gonna fit me like a friend
Or some radio song you can't help but sing along
Wishing they'd spin it over and over again

Could be the windows down on a Sunday drive
Smell of rain on a summer night
Anything that brings a little more comfort my way
But sometimes, there's those times
It's gotta be you

I keep telling myself I'm movin' on
But I'm stumbling
Believin' my heart was strong enough
And now I'm wanderin'
But every step I take that leads me away
Just circles back to your door
Wishin' I didn't love you anymore

I've tried turning to the arms of someone new
But I can't seem to fool this fool
I've seen closin' times with every bottle dry
And I've seen days alone in my own room
I've asked God and magazines, stacks of books and movie screens
Anything to bring a little more comfort my way
But sometimes, there's those times
It's gotta be you


I keep tellin' myself I'm movin' on
But I'm stumbling
Believin' my heart was strong enough
And now I'm wandering
'Cause every step I take that leads me away
Just circles back to your door
Wishin' I didn't love you anymore
Will you give me more?

I've done everything I can to forget
If there is a way, I ain't found it yet

I keep tellin' myself I'm movin' on
Believin' my heart was strong
But every step I take that leads me away
Just circles back to your door
Wishin' I didn't love you
What I'd give if I could touch you
Wishin' I didn't love you anymore

3:06am: Unloose this hold you've got on me
Unlock this heart that can't get free
Unlive the night you kissed and hugged me
Undream the dreams that we both shared
Unfeel the feelin' that you cared
Before you leave me, please unlove me

Unlove me
Unmake all the memories I can't forget
Unlove me
Let me go back to the way I was before we met

Back to the days when I was strong
When it wasn't sad to be alone
When I was happy-go-lucky
And I didn't know how good it felt
To hold you and feel my heart melt
Show me a little mercy and unlove me

Unlove me
Untie all the strings between your heart and mine
Unlove me
But do it real slow, so I don't have to lose you all at one time

Before you pack your bags and leave
One thing I wish you'd do for me
Take a little time to just unlove me

Unlove me
Unmake all the memories I can't forget
Unlove me
Let me go back to the way I was before we met

Unloose this hold you've got on me
Unlock this heart that can't get free
Before you leave me, please unlove me
Show a little mercy and unlove me

:(

2:47am: why do i do this to myself?

honestly? why?

i'm so confused and frustrated and feel stupid and like i should know better and shouldn't subject myself to this.

i hang out with spiro because i love him. i hang out with him because it is fun, because we get along, because i feel completely comfortable around him and we know eachother so well. i hang out with him because the sex is great and all he does it make me happy.

all of these reasons should be reasons for why we should date. but for some reason i don't want to. and those reasons become more and more evident when we hang out. i lose myself to him. i become "spiro's girlfriend", not just "juliana" like i am at home. i follow him around like a lost puppy because he is my comfort zone. i am still not mature enough yet to be strong enough in a relationship with him that i can still be with him and be "juliana".

this in between world seems to be hurting more than i thought. tonight he was very drunk and openly texted another girl in front of me. i dont know. i know we're not dating, we are by no means exclusive, but i guess i just hold him to a complete double standard. it just absolutely KILLS me to think of him hooking up with another girl. today he described to me a little bit of his dating habits recentely (i did not ask for the information, he just kind of said it) and i couldn't stop thinking about it the rest of the day. i just can't really see myself as anything else than his number 1. which is so goddanm selfish, but its the fucking truth. our relationship would be different if he had a girlfriend.

i'm just really hurt by what happened tonight. and i feel stupid for going to that party when i could have just gone home and ended the night on a really good note. i know he was really drunk be he was so rude to me. i'm angry and i'm upset and i'm confused and i want to talk to him abuot it tomorrow but i don't want to "be crazy" agaian and pick arguments, i just wish he would realize how the way he acted tongiht (even with how drunk he was) really hurt me.

in all level headedness, tonight wasn't okay. he invited me over to this party. proceeded to play a drinking game for probably 40 minutes leaving me to hang out with his friends. which i guess is fine, but really why did you invite me over if you weren't even giong to be able to talk to me? then he was being weird when i tried to say bye. and then he took me outside and yelled at me for caring that he was making it obvious we were hooking up when he knows i had the PDA shit. then he smacked me in front of his friends. then when i tried to leave his friend pulled him to the side and blatently started talking about me. then i said "uhh bye spiro. i'm really leaving now" and waved. and he sorta waved back. so i left. that fucking drunk asshole.

he disrespected me and now i feel stupid. i have no spine, as usual. this relationship sucks. i wish i had a spine and some fucking confidence to just get the fuck over it, but in the end it comes down to me wanting to have someone to hang out with during the summer.

this sucks.

sorry for the play by play, but i really needed to try and convince myself of some of the above. it worked a little, i feel a little better.

happy summer, bitches.

12:21am: the hardest two weeks of school are coming up. and then i get four days break. and then its back to school. that is the most depressing discouraging thought.

the only thing that makes me feel better is the thought of driving out the barn at sunset and riding my horse in the evening and going home to relax. and another depressing thought is that this is my last summer to do this.. :(

9:21pm: i'm going to put off studying by writing this entry. i'm writing because my head has been full of twenty million different feelings lately, and i'm gonna try and sort them out.

lets just say you can stop reading here. haha.

i don't even know where to begin. i'm sitting here thinking about my current situation and really all that comes to mind is "how did i end up here?" the semester is great. i love everyone. i'm playing with boys (kind of) and entertaining myself, and working hard in school and work. but about two or three weeks ago i kind of couldn't shake the feeling i was really missing spiro. over spring break we hung out a lot. its almost like we date again when i'm home. which is weird, but so nice. its comforting and i absoloutly LOVE hanging out with him. i'd say i'm still about 60 % in love with him (just because i believe a lot of love is what you share with the other person, and when you're not in a relationship you can't share as much or anything) and so hanging out with him always makes me happy. plus things now are so different from when we were dating. i'm a completely different person now. theres no fighting theres no pouting theres just goofing off and having great sex and being cuddly and fun.

so since i really got in a "i miss spiro" mood i made a point to see him saturday night when i was home and it was so good again. and ever since then i've really been missing him. wishing he was online, wanting to see him, just wanting to talk to him. i've been trying really hard not to text/email him things like "i miss you i just wanted to say hi" because honestly the way i'm treating him is not fair at all. if i'm confused i'm sure hes going out of his mind. but i can't help it because hanging out with him is soo nice.

so lately while i've been playing with other boys my mind always goes back to spiro. i compare them to him, i compare hanging out with them to hanging out with him. i jsut realized on saturday what we have is somehting soo hard to find. BAHHH.

so basically now i'm stuck. it was so much easier before when i was like wooo single yay other boys yayyy oh spiro yeah youre around but i dont really care. now i think about him a lot more and its rough. and im not being fair to him and really i should be worrying about him way more. but ogudofuhoguhfoudhgodshuf the thought of him hooking up with another girl literally like LITERALLY makes me want to poke myself in the eye with a plastic fork.

moral of the story: can't live with him, can't live without him.

WHAT DO I DOOOOOO

there is no easy way out here. fackkkk.

10:19pm: Theres something to be said for being loved. By anyone. Being loved is one of the best things a person can be. To be appreciated is one of the highest forms of respect. I also think that it is very important to love yourself. I have a problem with that one.

I don't know what it is. Well, I guess I do. I'm sure all girls have this problem; insecurity. Its not a lack of confidence. I can go out and feel like I look good and have a shot with a guy I think is cute. I'll have the balls to walk up to someone and start a conversation. Its after the initial introduction that I have the problem.

I met a boy this weekend. I was way too drunk when we met (which is another problem for another time) but I managed to end the night with a kiss, a promise of future hangouts, and clear signs he was into me. We texted back and forth the next day, but any time he wouldn't respond or something of the sort, I immediately thought "he learned more about me, found out what I was like, and now hes no longer into me"

Its very disheartening to think that someones interest in you declines as they get to know your personality. Now I realize this is probably not the case (especially after I would get returned texts, or facebook comments, or whatever) and I am just being paranoid and overanalytical, but it still shows the roots of a problem I seem to have- I have very little confidence in myself as a person.

I would like to say I believe the sayings I tell myself, like "you deserve the best" and "you're a great girl, a boy would be lucky to have you". But these are cliche and much easier said than believed. I stand back and watch my girlfriends get hurt, and in those cases I honestly believe that the guy is a piece of shit, no matter how hot or how nice. And I know there are better boys out there. But in my case, I can't believe it.

Now this is probably all very normal and girls reading this might agree, but its still something I wish to overcome some day. I hope to one day fully love and appreciate mySELF and realize what I'm worth it. I feel like I will be much happier and healthier then.

Until then, I'll keep playing it cool. Putting on an "i don't give a fuck" attitude. It works for a while, and even when it doesn't work, the pretending helps.


Goal # 32403847038: Self-growth.

9:48pm: sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same...
when i mentioned selling her before, i did not expect an email from my mother saying "i'm putting out feelers to see if anyone is interested in buying her"

what?

excuse me?

no. no. i meant at the end of the summer. so i could have one precious summer left with her. so i could bring her back up to her full potential and send her somewhere with someone who DESERVES her.

the thought of that kills me. brings tears to my eyes every single goddamn time i think about parting ways with that horse. no one, i mean NO ONE understands the bond between horse and rider. that horse has been 70 % of my life for the last five years.

this is going to suck

10:16pm: i realized today that it is 100 % the best option for me, my family, and my horse to sell Marley. its the saddest thing in the world. shes been the biggest part of my life for four years, and selling her means a chapter is closing.

i thought about it and started crying in bio class today haha.. it really is going to be one of the saddest days of my life.

12:12pm: i surround myself with so many different boys that are fun and are interested in me and would like to be with me yet the only one i seem to keep running to is the worst for me. he is a huge asshole and i continue to let him ruin my night on multiple occasions. why am i so self destructive?? i don't even know what is redeeming about him at ALL. but he just makes me melt. i have no spine around him. hes my drug. and i can't seem to get rid of him even after deleting his number. ughhh i hate him.

ps stop ignoring me i miss you so much :(

9:12pm: you're totally lame. good bye.

12:40pm: school is amazing. everything abuot it. i LOVE my friends here. i'm always so happy. we had a snow day yesterday!! and niki and i played in the snow :) made snow angels and had a huge snowball fight with the boys. last night i went out in the ice storm which resulted in a GREAT wakl back. met awesome new people, finally saw some old freinds.

man this is just so greatttt
i hope it neveer ends

in other news,
RIP Nicole. one year and i can't decide if it feels like forever or just yesterday. i think about you every day and i hope you're having fun up there!! watch over us, especially your family. your sister is very sweet.. but thats a given considered she's related to you :) your face gives me inspiration. miss ya pretty girl

4:06pm: Molly Jane is twenty three,
And she’s graduating from college today
After five long years
She’s ready to be on her own, go out and have a little fun
And not answer, to anyone
Make no mistake about it, she still thinks of him
Right now, she’s wondering where he is

He said move on, I can’t hang on
If you won’t meet me in the middle, on solid ground
Tell me what’s wrong, give me something I can work on
But if all you’ve got is you need some time alone
I can’t hang on

Molly Jane is finding out, that life all alone
Is highly over rated.
Every guy she goes out with, she compares to him
And she knows that’s not fair
She wants so bad to call him, she’s staring at the phone
But she’s afraid to find out, that he’s already gone

He said move on, I can’t hang on
If you won’t meet me in the middle, on solid ground
Tell me what’s wrong, give me something I can work on
But if all you’ve got is you need some time alone
I can’t hang on

She dials up his number, like she’s done a million times
But another voice answers, on the other end of the line
It was the voice of Becky Martin, Molly Jane’s ex best friend
You see when Molly moved out, Becky moved in

He said move on, I can’t hang on
If you won’t meet me in the middle, on solid ground
Tell me what’s wrong, give me something I can work on
But if all you’ve got is you need some time alone
I can’t hang on

11:30pm: My life is amazing in so many ways. And recently I've been stepping back more and more and taking note of that. My break has been fun and I want to record the great things I've gotten to do so that I don't forget anything.

+Maine
I love my family, being with them always makes me happy. It was nice to get away from here for a while. I hiked (my favorite), worked out, ate healthy, and spent quality time with people who love me unconditionally. I stopped worrying about boys (basically the only source of drama right now) and was able to just relax.
+New York
One, there is something to be said for quality time with best friends. I'm so glad to have brought in the new year with the two people I've been closest to for the longest. Also the other people who were there I genuinely enjoy. I didn't get too drunk and it was something completely different from what I've gotten so used to at school. I got to see the city also, which was awesome. It was just a great experience overall, even with the expected drama on the way home :)
+UMD round 1
I stayed with Niki at her apartment and I can honestly say I love that girl. There was definitely a reason Jean and I chose room 5112 off the list last year, because it landed me next to Niki. With no cable or internet all we were able to do was chat, dance, sing, take silly pictures. Going out with her is always fun because shes outgoing and cute and we always know someone. Yeah, she brings some drama but I can deal with it. Especially when I know I'm helping her with it. Its so great to know I have such a good friend.
+Work
I really like the people I work with, and I almost sorta kinda like my job. I'm good at it, it gets me money. Yeah the hours are shitty and the tips suck a lot, but I couldn't really ask for more when it comes to an easy job only during breaks.
+Snowboarding with Sam
As much as I feel like its a chore to hang out with certain people sometimes, I'm glad this opportunity came up. i really did miss her and I also found out I'm actually good at snowboarding. We spent the afternoon zooming down mountains and making friends, I had such a great time.
+Riding
My horse has been kind of a shit lately when I try to catch her, but once I'm riding there is no denying I miss the sport so much. It gets frustrating that shes not at the same level she was when I was riding her, but its so refreshing to be riding consistantly again. I had a lesson and it went okay. But despite the frustration and bad rides, once I hop off and her fuzzy fire breathing nose turns around to look at me, I melt. I love that horse to death. I also really like having such a close relationship to my instructor. I tell her so much abotu my life and she knows so much about who I am. Its so nice to be able to not only get a riding lesson, but also a catch up session with a really good friend.
+Running
I'm signed up for a 13 mile half marathon in March, meaning I need to start training two months ago. haha. I actually feel like I will be prepared though. I found a new loop here that is 6.2 miles and I plan on increasing that and be up to around 9 by the time I go back to school. Although I am not as thin as I wuold like to be, I feel so incredibely fit and I love it. I am trying to eat much healthier, though it doesn't always work. Its sort of a new lifestyle that I've gradually moved in to and it fits me well. I would die if I couldn't work out as much as I do.
+UMD Round 2
I spent the night with Niki again last night. The game was so fun and I was able to catch up with Stephen and Atlas, two boys I really enjoy. I miss having such good people in my life and I'm exicted to keep hanging out with them next semester. I also sat with Gary and Mihai, more people who I genuinely love. Niki and I played at her apartment and took more goofy pictures and went to the bar and played with ourselves. Mihai and Gary came, along with some of their friends. I made more friends and Niki and I ended up with a group of guys all ngiht. It was fun, but only because Niki was by my side the whole night. We stumbled home together and both woke up feeling awful, but we were together. My favorite part of the nights are always recalling things the next day. We got lunch with Sarah, another favorite of mine. I seem to have found myself surrounded by many wonderful people.

I am just generally so happy. Being off the medicine, I feel like I'm back to my old self. No more anxiety, no more emotional rollercoasters. If I get upset about something, I'm over it within a few hours. The me from last semester and this summer is still fresh in my mind though, so I'm not taking advantage of how good I feel. I often sit back and think "wow I am SO happy these days".
I also find myself laughing more. I mean a whole hearted, no holding back, loud laugh. It feels good. There is nothing to compare it with. Its so soothing and releasing. I don't knwo if I've always done it, but I'm noticing it a lot more. If you're ever not happy, just make yourself laugh out loud. Loud. OBnoxiously. Laughter is the best best medicine.

The only downer I have experienced over break is Spiro, but thats my own fault. I love him. and I miss him. and hanging out with him like we have been makes me remember all of our good times. I do NOT want to get back with him, that thought never crosses my mind. But loving being with him so much makes it that much harder and more confusing to completely move on. I should probably stop hanging out with him or even talking to him, but I love him too much to do that. But then again, that should probably be a reason enough to end things completely. Its very confusing.

I hope everyone is or somedays finds themselves as happy as I am. It is a great feeling, one that everyone should be blessed with.

Love everyone.

2:22am: i am a parasite.

i hurt myself, and i hurt those that are close to me. for temporary personal comfort. i do not regard others' feelings, i simply look out for myself.

my new years resolution:
stop being such a goddamned bitch.

day 1- highly unsuccessful


happy new years everyone :)

8:56pm: GO. AWAY.
you are making my life very full of unnecessary drama! and its obviously all your fault i can't stay away. grrrr. ps, no apology? fuck you. you apparently have no idea what you put me through.

3 A's so far. yay! maine is going to be amazing i can't wait to get awayyyy. i wish i could be home without you being involved. that will be my goal for the rest of break when i get back. peace out, asshole.

merry christmas :)

12:13am: its weird how i've fallen for someone here that is probably the worst person for me ever. i don't know why i choose him of all people to not be able to give up on. hes half retarded when it comes to emotions and hes definitely relationship challenged, but i honestly really like the kid. i ended up going over there after i wrote that last entry and completely 200 % fell for him and thats scary because of how shitty he is. but i had an amaaaaazing time becauase hes so awesome when were alone. i cant even begin to describe how happy i was for the first time since spiro. but now i'm left still wondering because he makes no effort when we're not together. blehh. its hard and confusing and i'm going to get hurt because hes already done that 2084732047 times.

i love it here. i love it love it loveeee it. i love my friends i love the weather i love my job i love how i'm doing well in school (knock on wood). everything has fit together perfectly. the decisions i've made the last 6 months and what i did at the beginning of the year are the BEST things i could have done for myself. i feel like im on the way to self discovery, so much better than i was when i lost myself last year.

bed timeeeeee. bring on finals week

1:59am: its 2 am and i'm not going to sleep but not doing anything near productive. i'm sitting on facebook staring at IM windows that are lacking a response to me. i don't know what i'm waiting for. i want something fun to happen. i want someone to text me and ask to hang out. well, i want someone in particular to do that. and the possibility of that is getting smaller as the night grows older.

i'm not really in a bad mood, i'm just in a bleh sort of indifference/more on the side of blown. i wonder why boys like him don't respond to my advances and i wonder what happened to them being interested and waht i could do to fix it. its all an inner battle with myself to be the best all the time, to always be liked or wanted or something of the sort. i don't like the feeling that i'm not worth it, ya know?

i love this whole not getting upset over anything ever. i feel invincible. not even spiro can make me sad these days. and this boy whos being an ass, i care a little but i don't really let it get to me. its nice.

mmm and i got the text. hahaaaahahha ironic.

bed time, night.

6:34pm: i just want to scream at you and say STOP ACTING WEIRD. GO BACK TO HOW WE WERE. STOP LETTING WHAT I TOLD YOU BE AN EXCUSE FOR BEING DISTANT. I DON'T WANT THIS I MISS YOU AND I MISS HOW WE WERE. I MISS WHEN YOU STILL CARED ABOUT ME I MISS WHEN YOU WOULD GIVE ME THE TIME OF DAY. i don't matter to you anymore and you've made that perfectly clear and its tearing me apart.

i guess its acceptable and understandable and i should give him the ability to move on and forget about me but it hurts. it hurts a lot to know he doesnt want to talk to me the most or hear how i am or even see me.

i'm being selfish, i know. but its not like i'm asking him to get back together. but the two months post break up were nice. you were there for me. YOURE MY BEST FRIEND. and now youre just gone and its weird and has been getting to me way more lately.

maybe i'm just realizing theres no one else out there quite like you.

PFFFFT

12:39am: tonight is officially the first night i will be spending at home single since i started college. its weird. its very weird. i have no where to end up at the end of the night. i have nothing i can fall back on when the night is lame. i have no one to look forward to.

i gave in and texted him tongiht and didnt get a response. its probably better that way, i need to work on moving on at home to. i'm not really that sad, i'm just kind of.. i dont know. its a weird feeling to know something is so different than what youre used to. i dont even feel like the same person i was on previous breaks, so it doesnt seem as bad as if i was loike i was before.

i dont know what or how to feel. i guess its good im not hurting from heartbreak, and its probably completely normal that i dont feel 100% the first night back anyway. i would love to see him this weekend, but its probably fore the better its not a 2am booty call.

mmmbleh. kinda bleh day. except its all relatively speaking considering my life is absoloutly amazing right now. bleh today is good last semester. keep it in perspective.

my eyes hurt, good night.

10:26pm: i wonder why i get in these 'i miss him so much' moods on the weekends when i stay in. all i want is him. i'm looking at pictures that remind me of the summer and us together and how much fun it was and how good we were together. i just kinda miss it. and him. duty's about to come over and i dont want him here, i just want someone. i want someone here so i am not lonely and not thinking just of spiro.

all the times i thought i was completely moved on, so okay with being just friends and hooking up. i guess that won't be gone for a while.

i'm so glad i'm not drinking this weekend

11:37pm: i always let it get to me. i always always always let YOU get to me.

i have a problem. i have a problem not getting attached, i have a problem not taking it personally, i have a problem not getting hurt. i never know what i want and i end up with such a mix of emotions that im confused and feeling lost with no idea which way is up. i tell myself i want it to to be casual, i'm OKAY with it being casual. obviously i don't want a relationship. but then i get upset when he doesn't show he cares about me? its all wrong. the reasoning is backwards and the logic is flawed.

i think i turn to boys to occupy myself and give myself something fun to do, but it in turn just causes me to fall for someone and get hurt. but the more i write about this the easier it is to feel that i am better than that. these boys are not people who i would date, and yes i care about them but they are not worth it. they are NOT worth me worrying, stressing, beating myself up over.

its just unfortunate that i care so much what they think. i care SO much if they like me or not. and if they don't the reasons for it. the way i see it- they were attracted to me at the beginning which is why we started talking/hanging out, so what happened between now and then that made them not like me? do i have a bad personality? am i annoying? the problem is i assume the reasons. i automatically think 'i'm a bitch unnecessarily' when i'm really just playing around sarcastically like i always do, or 'i'm annoying and say stupid things when i'm drunk'. which i do. which is why i'm trying to cut down on my drinking. not to mention me drunk should not be what people base their judgements on. but i should not be putting myself in the position where i'm around them drunk and sober about the same amount of time.

the moral of the story is i kind of need to chill the fuck out. i need to stop overanalyzing. i need to stop relying on other people to make me happy. i need to be my own person. the independent, strong, productive person i can be. i guess thats what this college experience is all about, finding myself.

its interesting. when i got into my serious relationship with spiro i thought it was good when i finally stopped chasing the boys around and could focus on my friendships with my girls and just having a good time. but instead i completely lost myself because i depended so much on him. despite taking myself out of the environment where i depended on chasing around boys for fun, i found myself in another trap. and now that i'm out of that, i'm back into my old habits of always being on the prowl for a boy. i wonder if i would ever be able to just sit back and life for MYSELF without the need for a chase.

right now i just have to keep reminding myself that boys are idiots/assholes/not worth it. any of it. i don't care what they think, i am who i am and they can decide to take the opportunity while they have it or i can tell them to fuck off and i'm too good for them anyway. and i don't care what your friends think. DONT JUDGE ME, FUCKER.

ahh i feel better.

11:43pm: i wonder if i will ever find myself as a strong, completely independent woman. i'd like to think of myself as that now. as someone who is chased, and does not chase. someone who does not worry about what the boy is thinking. someone who says yes i am here you can have me if you want but i don't give a fuck either way.

i put myself down on so many levels when i get "rejected" like this. i think i'm not hot enough, not enough fun, too dramatic, too annoying. i think the next girl can always do it better.

i should NOT be thinking things like that. the fact that i find a boy who would treat me like that should tell me something about what i'm looking for. i could easily find someone who would feel lucky to have me. who would think i am amazing. i don't understand why i go for the ones who treat me as if i am worth nothing.

i complain about assholes but i just gave up someone who thought i was the most amazing thing they'd ever had. i feel like i can't talk when i've done that to myself, but its also a little different.

its hard to not care. its hard to not pursue him and go where he goes because i just want to hang out with him. its hard to say whatever when he rejects the sleep overs or doesnt ask to hang out or is generally a jerk in a 'i dont like you anymore' sort of way. but its hard because he can be cute. he can kiss me in public. he can ask me why i'm not spending the ngiht. and we don't even do anything. hes not in it for that.

hes complicated and i cant seem to figure him out and that bothers me. i am putting myself so far out there. but you know what, i'm done. i am not going to contact him anymore. i am not going to be that girl. if he wants me he can come get me.

strong. smart. classy. fun. WORTH IT.

i feel stupid ranting about boys but its hard to feel so rejected. i'm just trying to convince myself its not my fault and its his loss.
(easier said than done)

tomorrow starts the new me. superwoman!

11:19am: theres this thing going on today called Kegs and Eggs and its for greek life and everyone goes down to the bars during the day and gets fucked up. it sounds fun, in an everyone knows everyone and its day drinking. so i'm a little jealous of people there.and its one of those things that makes me second guess my decision to be so anti-greek life. its greek week and all the events sound SO fun.

but, then again i have just had the most amazing two days. i ran a 24.45 5k. thats two minutes faster than last week, 5 minutes faster than july, and basically 8 minute miles. that is such an accomplishment for me.

also, i jumped the highest i ever have on my horse yesterday. 4 feet 4 inches. and it felt GOOD. it didnt feel scary. it didnt feel forced. it felt controlled, fun, completely together. she didnt tap it. shes a fucking superstar i LOVE that horse. she is the most important thing to me and literally saves me every time my life gets too hectic.

so i'm very proud of myself this weekend. i didn't drink last night, instead i hung out with good friends. i beat goals and i made personal records. all without the help of bought fun or alcohol or stupid social events. i need to remind myself that i am much healthier and productive without these stupid drinking events that sound so fun. and yeah, so they might be fun at the time but theyre honestly such a waste of life. im so glad im getting shit done today and i do feel like im missing out but in the long run i am much happier.

go me. i feel freaking awesome.